catastrophic ramblings

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 14:24:52 GMT

i have strep throat!! :( :( gay... mistakes .. hmmm.. silly silly.. no regrets really.. should i regret doing what i do? maybe the effect but if in my mind i desired what more wrong to follow through? woo hoo lauren and ashley are home!!!! im so happy!!! all my lovely ladies are here! party time!! haha

forgiveness... is not just saying sorry.. .

Wed, 04 Jul 2007 14:27:35 GMT

this dark inside unfamiliar since the past.. growing in spite, hatred, callousing the heart. no feeling no touch just ice and tears. drawing near is an option but not a desire.. the sickness is alive, it tears and rips into the built up being. hypocrisy, a laugh for irony, deceitful and manipulative, secretive to yourself. sitting in the corner nursing self inflicted wounds, growling at those who seek to mend. inviting pain, numb to its sting, so also numb to love of any kind. unreceived joy due to walls and thorns. getting bigger and growing out of control... the body routinely stabs its own back. celebrating freedom.. freedom to destroy oneself? freedom to hate our brother... not to the face, in the quiet.. while you disrespect the other and excuse its lust. hate can choke the life inside when hate is toward the one who chokes. whispering help when screaming solitude hinders the rescuer from discovering the distressed. carve out the smile and screw the twinkle in your eye... go do good outside but slam your morals in the door on your way out..is this an existance.. perhaps just a life that screams needed grace

Luke 7:47

comfortable surrender

Sun, 01 Apr 2007 03:24:17 GMT

haha whoever said surrender was comfortable yet my hands are so much smaller than His.

minds change from day to day and yet you still think this one is different
Hah .. sure.. just cause of comfort and time
Mutual is not the character of this one.. or is it
Dare you to say something.. mess up your relationship
I know this is your weakest point.. your going to give in
Think about him.. talk about him.. ill even let you dream about him
I win no matter what.. youve given everything over but your emotions
Yea let the passion linger within you.. dwell on it , act on it
watch the act "love" and revel in your lonliness
love the freind zone cause pretty soon ill take that from you too
dont worry.. right now you think the price is reasonable
get jealous and mad at your girlfriends.. they are jerks
think about the ones who pine for you yet hate Him
haha i love this game.. you play so easy into my hands
as soon as i start you stop
no more conversations with Him.. you think its His fault
well good.. continue with that
cause if you do talk to Him
He'll guard you.. ugh that peace and protection crap
well too bad you wont think to turn to the only one who can defeat me
aahh buckle up sweety cause im taking you on a dead end drive!! yee haw!!

Sat, 28 Oct 2006 01:48:26 GMT

getting hurt and losing a friendship $many tears and holes in the wall
comfy big t shirt,coconut cream popsicle bar, my best friends wedding to forget about guys who dont care... priceless

being able to laugh at myself for being fooled and try to be humble enough to start from scratch and forget the pain it caused will be harder everyday but hopefully the freindship is worth it

Sun, 22 Oct 2006 21:03:03 GMT

livejournal is so strange to me i havent used it in a while.... how come lips deceit runs so persistently and when they say .. w/e i give up lol i dont even know what i feel.. gaahhh why does God keep us in the dark for so long?? i want to take the step but i have so many inabitions that hold me back i havent been allowing myself to come through and i have only my self to blame.. the moon..hmm what a crazy amazing thing.. but im sure the sun because we see it more often is more inviting. but what about those summer girls??? haha wow that just clicked hmm... the girls of summer af. man i feel like a dumb. when i watch movies and see the guy who doesnt just like the girl cause they get along but finds himself only thinking of her and no one else.. i find peace knowing one day.. that will be reality and i cant wait.. but i have to ahh lol in the mean time ill go on my paradise island with depp and sandler and allow the sand and ocean to wisk my troubles away oooooooo by the way green bay beat miami!! woot woot... i love cca!!

Wed, 09 Aug 2006 18:29:49 GMT

so God is unfailing love and He's the answer right?? you know when you study really hard for a test and then when it asks you a question and you second guess yourself but you know the answer?? well thats what has been happening with me i know that i know that i know that God is who He says He is and He is the way the truth and the life.. and not from just being told, but from experience which no one can take away and tell me was fake.. but now i have to defend myself give an answer for everything and it sucks yet its probably really good for me. If I dont challenge myself then what kind of faith would it be?? just easy going with no roblems but now i really can say I know God is the way and every other way leads to death. If any one reads this and feels like praying for trength and the Holy Spirits wisdom for me then please do cause I cant do this on my own thank God
woot woot senior year!!! LAST YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL ......LET THE FUN BEGIN!!

aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Mon, 26 Jun 2006 01:25:59 GMT

these things in my mind swirl around and i cant find a clock that will stop going round.. the words in my mind are all pushing through and i cant grab one until too late they flew. Like pounding stones and drilling pain.. my heart is in mud as my mind is to blame.Good things are about yet i sit here in discontent due to my judgemental mouth and my hungry flesh.. I say im a follower but you wouldnt notice my words are like poison spilling from an ever flowing sink.. my focus is lost and i dont know where it went and my faith hides and desires rest from the laziness its been fed and the freedom its been retired .. why cant i grasp this one simple thing am i lying or abusing or cheating my soul am i just too idle or am i just too full???

Thu, 22 Jun 2006 22:13:28 GMT

God is so amazing!! His grace is so abounding!! Im so exited for the next five years of life. I am still struggling though with stupid things that seem big when i let them block me..

Tue, 13 Jun 2006 16:18:57 GMT

so i read joannas live journal and it got me thinking. I have a husband out there somewhere and even though i know i wont know him for about 5 years (maybe earlier or later) i still know he's there. So why do i waste my mind and emotions on someone elses husband?? its their job not mine. why then do i flirt and entertain with anyone!!! aaahhhh and another thing.. i know what i want in my husband and granted no one i know right now is that and no my expectation is not perfection but no one i know right now is what i want so why not be purely just friends?? hah i am just dumb so here we go. anyone who reads this entry.. if you want you can keep me accountable and definitly pray

Wed, 31 May 2006 23:41:55 GMT

when is being honest wrong? at what point to you stop telling someone how you realy feel? if it hurts them? if it will help them change? how can i point my finger when i am doing the same? am i though ?????????????

Tue, 30 May 2006 02:20:14 GMT

the path to maturity has taken me backwards, the things that are finite and petty seem to fog my mind and obscure my view of the goals. I am presented with opportunities to run and chase the dreams my heart has sung yet chains hold back my weakened feet. melting of my flesh and submission of my soul is required to continue down this thin and narrow road. my eyes are not fixed and my heart is held captive by fantasies of feeling and proposterous desire. the taste in my mouth is bitter and poisonous yet my hand feeds me more. aching here inside when all is needed is one quick word. pointing my shame where it is not welcomed, changing my face to suit my own wrath. forgetting the glory i once began towards and wallowing in pity over the fact that i just cant say no and crucify my flesh.

just like paul, the things i want to do i dont do and the things i dont want to do i do!!!
WHO wll save me from this body of death???
ask and you shall receive but ask in faith

God let me talk to him !!!

Sat, 26 Nov 2005 04:42:17 GMT

God is so good!!!! istant answered prayers yet only answered to the point where He knows is the right timing!!! man i am just so happy right now i cant even explain it!!! aaaahhhh thank God for everything shooting stars, beaches, friends, love, family, prayer, basketball, safe trips, little kids, and most important of all faithfullness.

Fri, 25 Nov 2005 02:25:17 GMT

haha God is working away at my heart and man does it hurt sometimes haha thanksgiving was great and the things i am most thankful for are the shooting star the Love of my life just gave me and the family and freids He's blessed me with. Ive had the best week. me chayil and her brother almost got eaten by the chupacaberra then the next day made up songs about it and me an cahyil watched elf!!! THEN YESSSSS her family is basically the coolest family ever so the next day we went to the park climbed a tree ate a squirrel and some tennis balls, played football with labron james and then played hide and go seek in target. fun doesnt even begin to describ eour crazy times lol. i miss kate so much and i hope she is having the most freakin fun of her life!!! ok well hahahahaaaaaa from crying to laughing how does that happen lol ok

yay cartoons

Sat, 22 Oct 2005 15:04:58 GMT

spiderman is on sweet!!!!! i love the old cartoons. the new ones are not as origional. o no the hob goblin is there!!! AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!! ok well im too enthralled

chocolate and crunchy dill pickles

Thu, 13 Oct 2005 21:31:26 GMT

what could be better than chocolate and crunchy dill pickles? hahah alot probably. um so good things in life are kool and i love my firends and stuff and i want world peace!!!! *tear* everwood on tonight and i love bright!! maybe ill find my man that will look like him and PLAY FOOTBALL AND LIKE IT!!!! lol im just kidding *laugh* *laugh* so im watching gilmore girls and even reruns arent old. so i wanted to climb a fig tree today but chayil is busy. phone wow that was the nicest telemarketing lady ever. . ok well i have lots of homewirk and the need to go outside and play !!!!!! but i have alot of homework so maybe i wont be able to but hey ummmmm playing outside is fun ????????????????? ok dont read this its a waist of time and life

Sun, 25 Sep 2005 18:00:23 GMT

so friday, me and kate decided we were going to live out our life long dreams and become water girls. o yea this is the coolest job in the world. so we drove with the coolest mom ever (mrs. lyons) and 3 hours later were up on the action right on the feild. the smell of sweat rising in throuhg our nostrils made us feel at home. the water soaking my shorts looking as if i peed my pants made me laugh and wish i could do that everyday. aaahhhh the fact that im wathching full house haha o did i mention i love marianna and i wish that we were twins joined at the hip lol creepy but i love all my friends and am do blessed to have them VOTE FOR KATE FOR HOMECOMING LADY

Gods view is better than mine so ill look from His balcony

Sun, 11 Sep 2005 23:15:47 GMT

me and kate didnt nd up going to the game but i must say i love coach king, mrs lyons and our new principle mr. lofthouse. haha we could have left skool at 12:00 cuz we were excused seeing we had "duties" at the football game. work was so fun on thursday. bet you didnt know that at night, me kate, kj , and houston beome the cafe crusaders. flying aorund in our black caperons saving people from hunger and thirst. um yeah so then me and kate on friday ( let me just say kate is the coolest person ever and yeah) we dressed up and went downtown to some sports teams masion where wew ate some good dip with chips. we starred in a movie and then saw superman. he gave s funny looks. then we had to battle the evil gaurd of the mansion because she didnt like our attire or our loud makeup. (little did she know that it was our power suits) we finally got back home to our husbands who were still on their lazy boys on their 5th root beer (kosher version) then we dorve to mariannas house in our pimp vw van and on the was picked up schmidt. we drove around and tried to pick up some old men with only the success of no one. we went to a nursing home and shot some pool and marianna was asked to leav because she posed as jerry seifelds nurse and told him it was time for his sponge bath. half way through the security guards came in and she whipped out her shoe and through it at jerrys roomate poor old man stil hasnt woken up.

Sun, 31 Jul 2005 17:26:16 GMT

so im home from camp and the challenge is to continue seeking after Him whole hearteldy even when i dont feel like it or even when im the only one. it was the most amazing experience and it is my desire to not only make it an experience but a lifestyle. God has blessed me with so many friends who encourage me and he definitly wokred on somehtings in my life. He asked me to give Him something that i hold very dear to me, my music. it is not necesarily bad music but He wants me to give Him my soul my life and my all as the song says. He demands it. now if i cant even give him something like music then how will i later on give him something bigger. He also showed me the way i must love others. He loves me when i am so undeserving and when i trample His blood by continually taking His love for granted.

woo-hoo

Wed, 13 Jul 2005 00:09:38 GMT

so avril lavigne brought back some bitter sweet memories of of course a guy so its been on my mind. dang it i hate that. ok things have been good i do basket ball in the morning and its getting harder and harder. um i hope the volleyball players do good and that they get a varsity team cause theyve worled their butts off especially angie !!! woo hoo. i cried in fantastic four last night and angie laughed at me. im going to miss her so much. um i cant wait to see king kong!! johnny depp is so hott o man if we just got married it would be amazing...that is my one dream lol j/k well yeah it is. and world peace haha lol so um it sux when guy friends get an intrest in a gilr and kinda seem to not be as i dunno what the word is but its like not the same. well since that has happened it has given me the opportunity to grow closer to my girl friends. luke from gilmore girls is pretty good looking. aaawww lane is going to date her band member aawwww..... sweet. i want my happy ending and sometimes it is so hard to see the hopeful light at the end of the tunnel.............yet i am forced to beleive that there is woo hoo

Tue, 28 Jun 2005 22:01:42 GMT

God sends angels in the form of freinds that help so much in times of deep regret and disapointment. God allowed me to fix my last problem so thank you for all the prayers. so the latest messages have been about putting feet to your faith and im finding it a little hard to do. i dont know where He wants me to serve so hmm... ok well today at work wayne hyzinga came in (at least thats who everyone said that guy was) and then i watched the men play 3 on 3 and its so funny to watch them get upset over little things. um one more day of work at 7 30 and yeah know what i need i need sun lol well thank you and let me just say that i absolutley love kate samantha and marianna where do you find freinds like that and i am so honored to have them as friends thatnk you guys wwooo hhhhhoooooo

Mon, 27 Jun 2005 02:41:06 GMT

so im an idiot. i almost messed up one of my favorite freindships and i have a feeling it is going to be really hard not to do it again. please pray for me. aawww i was watching fil of the future and it was cute haha how pathetic but not really hes not too shaby. so i miss my friend ashley alot and well both ashleys are gone. schmidt is my lay under the stars buddy and discuss the finer things in life lol some of you know our humor. she is in colombia amongst gorgous latin men. woo hoo for her. well i am subject to waken at 6 in the morning for the next three days and work but i love it. i get to relax in between rush and meet new people who share the same passion for God that i do. ok my first statement is still bugging me and im really confused and messed up. a third friend of mine is gone and hes the one who will put ne back in reality. why do some of my favortie people have to be gone at such a idiodic time in my life. uuuggghhhh this is really bothering me i am totally lost. i have alot to be thankful for and i am not forgetting that yet this problem seems to be growing in my subconcious. you know how when you picture yourself doing something its alot easier to do? well i cant turn my head off and i want to so bad well i wil just picture myself with my three gorgeous men who would never let me down. haha i can dream that as my friends lover does for her that they bring me flowers as they take me out to breakfast lol and sing me love songs that are written for me and make my side hurt with jokes that cause my eyes to flood. o dear me ..........................................why cant fairy tales come true??????????????????????

Tue, 21 Jun 2005 02:38:33 GMT

hhmmm.... decisions decisions and i havent read my bible in a long time and i feel it, here are some passages from proverbs 16 17 and 18

Commit your wokr to the LORD and then your plans will succeed.
UNFAILING LOVE AND FAITHFULNESS COVER SIN; EVIL IS AVOIDED BY FEAR OF THE LORD.
kind words are like honey sweet to the soul and healthy for the body
a persons words can be life giving water; words of true wisdom are as refreshing as a bubbling brook
the name of the lord is a strong fortress; the godly run to it and are safe

how minimal my problems are yet my wandering sight overlooks the ones exploding and glare in the distorted mirror. how do you stay friends through things like that, how do you hide the fireworks on the 4th of july the thing you should be celebrating are the things that burn you deep.

last night i had the most wild night ever ok i was driving along in my 94 mustang, hair blowing in the wind and sun caressing my skin like a soft massage from a hott australian. as i turn the radio on my favorite song from steven tyler comes on and as the light turns read a shiny glare catches my eye. i look and almost die as i see my lovers johnny, jack and adam in the car next to me. they motion me to stop at the resaurant thats coming up on our right and we have the most romantic dinner o they are so amazing. johnny is gorgeous jack is hilarious and adam is the sweetest guy ever. how can a girl resist. after dinner johnny rode in my car and the goofballs rode in their car. we all walked on the beach and jack "skinny" dipped in the water and screamed like a girl when he mistaked the fin of a dolphin for a shark. me an johnny had an intimate conversation about his movie which he wanted me to star in. the highligh was when me and adam went on a long walk hand in hand acroos the star lit beach as he pulled me close and his lips softly tickled mine i spit my water out and remebered i was watching tv and eating chocolate. hah close enough haha i love my fantasy stories about my three favorite men aaaahhhh one day you'll see one day !!!!

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 02:52:01 GMT

batman was the most amazing movie i have ever spent time wathing well except for any movie wiht adam sandler. so my knees are jacked up from basketball camp and i love everyone we went with! it was amazing and yes the girls made it even more amazing.

2months of endless days and nights under the stars without my best friend. behind the independent wheel step by step and responsibility. will any shooting stars fall in my eye, my wishing well feigns so but my window pane sitter dreams time births perfection. the remenisent glow that streams my pale face blooms picturesques of smilling masks and dancing waves. as the light begins and ends the dark i swim into yet another ocean of discovery. the wonders that await my wandering mind are reaching out to grasp my attention. reflections cathch my wandering eyes and yet not one has fully grasped my heart. understanding of the true love we can all posses is only found in the love letters he breathed into my soul. hehe dont laugh i like writing these things HAVE A GREAT SUMMER !!!!

Sat, 04 Jun 2005 00:26:55 GMT

so the day was ok. in the morning i drove to skool withkyles mom and well needless to say she is so sweet and fun. chapel rocked but some miscomunication made the middle of the day boring. it was ashley grebes birthday. i had the most amazing encouraging talk with kate. she is just so full of life and joy. she is one amazing girl and she helped me so much even though she probably doesnt know it. basket ball was fun and MRS. SHAW IS OUR COACH OOOO YEEAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sun, 29 May 2005 20:12:02 GMT

so our trip was awesome and i got to hang with people that i usually dont and that was fun. highlight was cannooing with schmidt kallas and lundy. i flipped the canoo over and they got mad but then they laughed about it. bradfords note was so sweet it made me cry and brian was kool. nights were fun except the ones where i was confused but i guess thats part of love and growing up right? i guess really loving someone is lettig them be with someone who will treat them better than you will and letting them experience the love that they deserve.

spinning in my head the scene breaks my heart. something so good can rot everything dear, specs of sand cant overcome mountains, deceit is a wall honesty is a bridge. walk across hand in hand together it seems like nothing. worse has happened insecurity is a bothersome companion. nothing stable. the wind brings word of undecifered news. the mind battles the heart and spirit. heart says love, mind says pain, spirit says wait. wait as your eyes bleed with visions of how it was,is,and can be. snatched by visions of them together. their mouths vomit "just friends" but actions scream "flesh, passion, time and hurt" eyes shut and demand to remain until your gone. heart is in peices while guilts waves consume the hate. future can only bring you hopeful heavens yet storms are the only thing remembered. burned in mind are the scortching flames of the past pains. promises remain from the One but blindness overcomes any brightness.